Gun Control – At Cabela’s (Today’s Funny)

Editor’s Note:  A lighter look at gun control that made its way to my inbox this morning :)

Gun Control —  It’s already started at Cabela’s Sporting Goods Store

There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela’s Sporting Goods store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

Today’s Funny – Your Duck Is Dead…

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon.  As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure.  Your duck is dead,” replied the
vet..

“How can you be so sure?” she protested.  “I mean
you haven’t done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room.  He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever.  As the duck’s owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom.  He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room.  A few minutes later he returned with
a cat.  The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot.  The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.  “$150!”
she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry.  If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

Today’s Funny – Amish Elevator…..Priceless (Oldie)‏

A little Lancaster County humor!

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a calorically challenged senior female in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened, and the woman rolled between them into a small room.  The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…..

‘Go get your Mother’

How to Bathe A Cat‏ – Today’s Funny

Sounds like a Tom and Jerry cartoon!
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds.  (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this.)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times.  This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.
Sincerely,

The Dog

Today’s Funny

The Night Light 

A 90 year old man goes for a physical.  All of his tests come back with normal results.  The doctor says, “George, everything looks great.  How are you doing mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?”

George replies, “God and I are tight.  He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!  The light goes on.  When I’m done, poof!  The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife.  “Ethel,” he says, “George is doing fine!  But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God.  Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! ….The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof!…… The light goes off?”

“Oh sweet Jesus” exclaims Ethel……. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!

Today’s Funny

AN ACTUAL CRAIG’S LIST PERSONALS   (Even if this is not true, it’s hysterical) 

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E..S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.  The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.  My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.  She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it?!

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with crap in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!  I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb – after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.  The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc…)

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you – but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,

Alex

Most Memorable Celebrity Tweets Of 2011

English: Picture I took of p!nk

Image via Wikipedia

For those of you who enjoy all things social media, here is a list of some of 2011’s most memorable celebrity tweets:

After Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication early this year, P!nk rejoiced in not being the one to get into trouble.

@pink: Out of Myself, Britney, and Christina – didn’t everyone think I was gonna be the troublemaker? LOOK MA!!! No CUFFS!!!

Read more: http://www.fm97.com/cc-common/news/sections/special/celebritytweetsoftheweek.html?an=Most-Memorable-Tweets-of-2011#ixzz1hy6L6uyR

Little Known Facts From History – Today’s Humor

A pastor friend of mine sent me this and it is too funny not to share!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband,  “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods  when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.  And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.  And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”

“YAHOO,” said Abraham.

And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that’s the truth.
Chapter 13, verses 7-16

Saturday Silly Humor

This came via email from a reader and it’s too funny not to share.

One Sunday, counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he said.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this?  How much does he send you?”  The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered. “That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”

The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada … … 

 

drum roll please……..

 

He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”

Money cat

Image via Wikipedia